No kernel left behind
There is something very disturbing about the first floor ladies bathroom: every afternoon there is one kernel of popcorn in the right hand sink. Just one. Never two. One. It is not the same kernel. It's not there in the morning. It's a brand new kernel every day. What does this mean? I can tell you that I've pondered this much longer than I would like to admit.
Logic tells me that there is someone – hopefully female - on the first floor who has a snack of microwave popcorn every afternoon and that after she is done, she washes out the bowl in the right hand ladies sink, leaving one kernel to sit on top of the drain after which, she exits with her bowl from the right hand door.
But, what is freaking me out is why one? Why not two or three kernels? Or, even better, why not ZERO? Why every day? Is there no variety in this woman's snacking habits? Why is she washing out a bowl in a shallow bathroom sink when the kitchen is only a few steps away? Why have I never seen this person? In summary, what the dilly, yo?
At first glance, one would assume this is a clean person, someone who takes the time to get up from her desk and go wash out the bowl before putting it away in a drawer or on a shelf or some other designated popcorn bowl spot. You might think, Rebecca, give the girl a break. I mean, we've all seen some nasty office habits, not to mention nasty silverware and nasty coffee mugs, so a washing out of anything should be a relief, right? Wrong! Don't let the water fool you: this mysterious female is a dirty, dirty girl!
First of all, when given a choice of bathroom or kitchen in which to wash out dishware, I will take the kitchen. It has things like dishwashing liquid and sponges for example that can be of use during the popcorn bowl washing out process. Now, I've worked in offices that did not have the luxury of a kitchen, so washing things out in the bathroom sink is not new to me nor is it totally unacceptable. I am not a germ-phobe. OK, sometimes I am, like when the Clorox people decide to use a marketing ploy that can only be labeled as "skeeve the audience into purchasing our products." But when one has the option of a well-lit kitchen right next door with proper kitchen-type cleaning stuff in it or a shallow ladies bathroom sink that has been used for the past six hours, however clean looking, that boasts no dishwashing accoutrements, one would think that the logical choice would be clear: go toward the stainless steel. But this mysterious woman has eschewed logic and chosen wrong. Dirty, dirty girl.
Secondly, if you feel I am being too kosher in my belief that bathroom sink equals hands and kitchen sink equals dishes, you must agree with me that a single wet popcorn kernel sitting in the middle of a bathroom sink drain is a nasty thing. You know if you had to, you would use a paper towel or some other barrier to pick it up and throw it away. You're not going to pick up some random person's kernel with your bare fingers, are you? Especially after its been marinating in bathroom sink water. More specifically, if it were your kernel – if you felt ownership of the kernel – would you leave it in the sink in the first place? Wouldn't you wipe your bowl with the rough paper towel from the dispenser on the wall and then pick up the stray kernel with it before you tossed the lot? Wouldn't you? Don't most of us have a 'no kernel left behind' policy? I know I do. "The DG" doesn't though; she doesn't give a flying fuck, and that's just unamerican, leaving a kernel behind to drown.
So now, what to do? I feel I must find this person, see what she looks like. Do I know her? Is she in my department? But how, you ask? Ohhh, don't you worry. No, no, no, don't you worry. I am a Master Sleuth – ok, stalker. I didn't read every Nancy Drew book for nothing. I was pressing "redial" before *69 even existed. I know how to find my white whale, believe me. Some of you might think: well, of course, stake out the first floor ladies bathroom. Amateurs! I will not waste additional time lurking around in a bathroom. What is this, the second floor men's room at Macy's? Oh no. I will not need to put additional time into this. I will take my trips to the bathroom as needed. The kernel will be there. Believe me. BUT! I feel I will find my nemesis only with the absence of the kernel. When the kernel is no more, then I will strike!
If I had a mustache, I would twirl it right now.
Logic tells me that there is someone – hopefully female - on the first floor who has a snack of microwave popcorn every afternoon and that after she is done, she washes out the bowl in the right hand ladies sink, leaving one kernel to sit on top of the drain after which, she exits with her bowl from the right hand door.
But, what is freaking me out is why one? Why not two or three kernels? Or, even better, why not ZERO? Why every day? Is there no variety in this woman's snacking habits? Why is she washing out a bowl in a shallow bathroom sink when the kitchen is only a few steps away? Why have I never seen this person? In summary, what the dilly, yo?
At first glance, one would assume this is a clean person, someone who takes the time to get up from her desk and go wash out the bowl before putting it away in a drawer or on a shelf or some other designated popcorn bowl spot. You might think, Rebecca, give the girl a break. I mean, we've all seen some nasty office habits, not to mention nasty silverware and nasty coffee mugs, so a washing out of anything should be a relief, right? Wrong! Don't let the water fool you: this mysterious female is a dirty, dirty girl!
First of all, when given a choice of bathroom or kitchen in which to wash out dishware, I will take the kitchen. It has things like dishwashing liquid and sponges for example that can be of use during the popcorn bowl washing out process. Now, I've worked in offices that did not have the luxury of a kitchen, so washing things out in the bathroom sink is not new to me nor is it totally unacceptable. I am not a germ-phobe. OK, sometimes I am, like when the Clorox people decide to use a marketing ploy that can only be labeled as "skeeve the audience into purchasing our products." But when one has the option of a well-lit kitchen right next door with proper kitchen-type cleaning stuff in it or a shallow ladies bathroom sink that has been used for the past six hours, however clean looking, that boasts no dishwashing accoutrements, one would think that the logical choice would be clear: go toward the stainless steel. But this mysterious woman has eschewed logic and chosen wrong. Dirty, dirty girl.
Secondly, if you feel I am being too kosher in my belief that bathroom sink equals hands and kitchen sink equals dishes, you must agree with me that a single wet popcorn kernel sitting in the middle of a bathroom sink drain is a nasty thing. You know if you had to, you would use a paper towel or some other barrier to pick it up and throw it away. You're not going to pick up some random person's kernel with your bare fingers, are you? Especially after its been marinating in bathroom sink water. More specifically, if it were your kernel – if you felt ownership of the kernel – would you leave it in the sink in the first place? Wouldn't you wipe your bowl with the rough paper towel from the dispenser on the wall and then pick up the stray kernel with it before you tossed the lot? Wouldn't you? Don't most of us have a 'no kernel left behind' policy? I know I do. "The DG" doesn't though; she doesn't give a flying fuck, and that's just unamerican, leaving a kernel behind to drown.
So now, what to do? I feel I must find this person, see what she looks like. Do I know her? Is she in my department? But how, you ask? Ohhh, don't you worry. No, no, no, don't you worry. I am a Master Sleuth – ok, stalker. I didn't read every Nancy Drew book for nothing. I was pressing "redial" before *69 even existed. I know how to find my white whale, believe me. Some of you might think: well, of course, stake out the first floor ladies bathroom. Amateurs! I will not waste additional time lurking around in a bathroom. What is this, the second floor men's room at Macy's? Oh no. I will not need to put additional time into this. I will take my trips to the bathroom as needed. The kernel will be there. Believe me. BUT! I feel I will find my nemesis only with the absence of the kernel. When the kernel is no more, then I will strike!
If I had a mustache, I would twirl it right now.
posted by Rebecca at 10:51 PM
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