OHMIGOD! NO WAY!!

NO, for godsake, NO, I don't want to guess which celebrity that obviously is. It's Lindsay Loahn. Because she's in rehab this week and therefore her stock is up. Well, that and Tara Reid hasn't shown a nipple lately. Way to go Tara. You must have invested in double sided tape or some self esteem or something. Back when Britney was sleep-deprived and taking national TV interviews in dirty hair and chipped purple nail polish and driving around with her kid in the front like a dashboard baby Jesus, the answer was Britney Spears. And Paris Hilton looks like a chicken, so unless the answer is "the love child of Frank Perdue and Marie Antoinette" I don't want to guess who that is either.

Eminem, quit staring out at us like some strung out male hooker at the back of the bar in Industrial Waste, Michigan. I swear, all he needs is a pool stick and a hickey on his chest. Put on a shirt, man.

And Brad, however appealing duck hunting you sounds since you left your wife because she wouldn't have a baby on your timetable, I think I'll pass.

My lord, these banner ads remind me of when the Training Department discovered PowerPoint ten years ago. Everything was swooshing and swiping and pinging and TA-DA!!!-ing.

Can we please get rid of the animations all together. Please? I find myself scrolling just so I can't see them. They are that visually annoying to me. And if that friggin yellow emoticon says "OHMIGOD! NOWAY! one more time when I mistakenly scroll over it, I'm going to lose it.

No, I don't want a free pair of UGGs.

No, I don't want to press the "fart button." Zero desire.

Who are these people who keep these guys in business? Someone must be clicking on them, right? What are they thinking when they do?

MMMMmmmmm....spam and cookies! Yum! Clickety click click click.

Assholes.