Prenatal vitamins scare the shit out of dates

I'm so not one of those baby-crazed thirty-something women. Yes, I have a maternal instinct and want kids some day, but no, I'm not trying to steal some random dude's sperm. Don't worry. I mean, I just found a pretty apartment with lots of sharp edges and electrical outlets and I'm working on losing weight, not gaining it, especially the 7 to 8 pounds that you can never get rid of and have to like feed and burp and stuff.

But my iron levels tend to be low (I'm weird with that kind of stuff. My temperature is lower than 98.6, my blood pressure is like 95 over 70; basically, I think I'm part lizard or something) and I was freaked out about someone I know who had a baby with spina bifida which is preventable so long as you have enough folic acid in your system or something, so a while ago I bought a gigantic bottle of over the counter prenatal vitamins because it seemed to have everything I needed anyway as far as multi-vitamins go.

Yeah, but I wasn't really dating people at that time either.

Yeah, and I tend to leave my vitamins out, oh say, on the coffee table or the microwave so I don't forget to take them. There they are, lined up in a row: giant, zillion-pill bottle of prenatal vitamins, calcium, flax seed oil, B complex.

There is a very distinct tone of uhm....Rebeccaaaaa? that comes out of a guy when he sees prenatal vitamins on your coffee table. And no matter the explanation of low iron or folic acid or whatever, all that poor boy is hearing is his own interal voice screaming in horror, mapping escape routes out of the apartment, or sometimes weighing the odds. heh.

This has happened to me twice, because....well, because I forget. I'm thinking of taking some masking tape with the words "So Not" and putting it above the "Prenatal" on the bottle with the whole low-iron, spina bifida explanation and map of an escape route on the back, just in case I forget to put them away again.

And as if that's not enough of putting myself in an awkward situation, apparently I have to create an awkward situation when one doesn't exist. I was on a date recently, completely outside of my apartment, no prenatal vitamins in the vicinity, with a very interesting, handsome, and charming young man , when for some reason I feel compelled to tell my date this story because I think it is funny, even when in my head I'm screaming "Shut up! Shut up! You're the only one who finds this funny! Your 27 year old date will not. He will run to the hills. No man wants to hear a story that starts with 'OK, so, I'm so not baby-crazy or anything, but...' " Interestingly enough, he didn't bolt. Nerves of steel, that one, nerves of steel.

So ladies, take a lesson and add prenatal vitamins to the list of phrases not to use on a date. If you've forgotten the others, my friend Sara and I compiled a list recently. Here are a few:

Hummels
Herstory
Granny Panties
"There's this wedding coming up..."
"My cats did the funniest thing..."
"It's a promise ring to Jesus."
"My nickname at college was Bitchy McFrigid"

etc.