The Baltic Times

Not to knock my gender, but I am pretty insane one day every month. Not like "Hi Wayne here's this gun rack I made for you. Will you sign my neckbrace?" insane or Anne Heche worthy of national news coverage and a book reading insane, but just sorta crazy. It comes one day after the Exhausted Day. "My goodness, why am I so exhausted?" I ask myself every time. You'd think I'd remember by now that thats just the way it is.

So there's the tired day and the crazy day and I typically dont realize either one until it has passed. It leads to conversations like, "Oh gee, I was pretty nuts yesterday. Really, I dont need two week's written notice if you want to make plans with me. No, I dont have narcolepsy. Why do you ask?"

But thanks to the wonders of technology I now know when I'm crazy in real time. My email service only provides related ads in some "totally safe and secure" way - it scans key words in your email and provides ads that are relevant. They haven't worked out the kinks yet though. When I first signed up I remember writing an email to a friend about a visit to San Francisco and seeing Social Distortion at the Warfield. The opening act was a band called Tiger Army and I didn't like them at all. I wrote something like "Tiger Army sucked" and got a related ad for the Tiger Army fan club.

But besides that glitch I've found it a pretty cool email provider. And now that I know to read the related ads to identify my crazy, the world's a better place. My crazy day was yesterday. Some email I sent caused me to get this related ad from none other than The Baltic Times sponsored by Kazbalt "The first and only consulting company of Kazakhstan and Baltic States." I didnt write about anything Baltic so I can only assume the content of my email made me sound like a pissed off Latvian woman.

NEWS

10 things not to say to a Latvian woman

May 03, 2006

1) "You are very beautiful." She will only think youre a stupid foreigner if you do.
2) "Your voice is like a plaintive nocturne." She will think youre making fun of her.
3) "Your melons are very juicy." She will confusedly insist that Latvia doesnt grow melons.
4) Dont ask her for her views on post-feminism. Latvia isn't past Simone deBeauvoir yet. (yeah, I'm still trying to get through The Second Sex myself, and really if he's commenting on her melons, I doubt post-feminism is in his vocabulary.)
5) Don't try to impress her with the fact that you're a foreigner. Latvian women are extremely smart, pragmatic and proud, and they don't need your passport anymore.
6) Don't be gaudy. One stereotype that is largely true is that Russian women love gold, Latvian women silver. Gaudiness is a no-no.
7) "You Russian girls are really sexy." That one speaks for itself.
8) "You kind of remind me of that girl in t.A.T.u". See point (7)
9) "Oh man, you still live with your parents!" Yes, just like half the country.
10) Dont bullshit her. Latvian women are extremely skilled in the art of sniffing out bullshit.

End NEWS STORY

Maybe this is why all those Russians keep stopping me and asking me directions to buildings at MIT. Maybe they're really Latvians who think I'm non-gaudy and won't comment on their melons or try to impress them with my passport and knowledge of fake-russolesbian schoolgirl pop music.