Dog Years

I was at dinner with some colleagues last week and one woman just a few years older than I, whom I like very much, was discussing how she met her husband. Apparently they dated for a few years at which point she became impatient for a marriage proposal. Finally she said to him, You know, I'm in my dog years now, so that means we've been together for like 21 years. Wheres my ring? That comment set back the proposal a few months but things worked out. I thought it was a funny story until she turned her attention to me: Well, you're in your dog years now she says to me at one point in the conversation.

I suppose there are two ways to take this comment. On the positive side it might mean that women in their thirties typically don't waste their time with men who are obviously not right for them, that we have a better bullshit detector, make better decisions more quickly, and can weed out the losers faster than when we were in our twenties. Standards are higher, so someone that a 30-something woman dates for more than a few weeks has passed a lot more hurdles. I can see how a woman in her early twenties might take years to figure out a man she finds complicated and intriguing whereas a thirty-something woman could have him pinned in a few days: hes not complicated hes a mess. Or hes not complicated hes a liar. Or he is complicated too complicated. Or he is complicated man that's hot.

There are a lot of different types of complicated.

And hopefully a 30-something woman knows herself a little bit better too, so maybe dating for 6 months is equal to dating for a longer time in your early twenties because you're not trying to figure yourself out as well as the man.

On the negative side, one can equate the dog years comment to the ticking clock. I imagine some woman, desperate for attention, marriage, and babies, tongue lolling, willing to take it from whoever crosses her path. Dogs are indiscriminate beasts. They love everyone, will take affection from anyone. If they don't you're probably a serial killer or something. So dog years could be negatively read as: Hurry up and snag some man so you can have lots of babies and live that perfect suburban life. God forbid you're still single in your forties. I know there are many women (and men) who still think like that. Its normal to feel that pressure to establish a committed relationship and have children sometime in your twenties or thirties. The trick is to not let the pressure override your common sense as to the long-term compatibility of the person.

I've pretty much decided that any sort of baby or marriage pressure is not good for a relationship. Relationships don't necessarily grow at the same rate as a female's urge for children and they have a lot better chance of long-term success if these stressers aren't constantly on the table. A lot of people find the right match at age 50. Usually that is after a few bad matches and a few kids. Id rather keep the baggage to a minimum. If my clock started ticking louder, I'd rather pull an Angelina and hit the root cause than force some man into fatherhood before he feels ready or live with the fact that I've pressured someone into a lifelong decision. It may not be the ideal situation, but really what is? Having kids with the wrong person because he was around and willing to sleep with me sometime between 2006 and 2010? Forcing the right person into moving faster than he wants to and having him resent me? No thanks.

I'm realistic. Even given modern science, I have about ten years if I want to have a baby the old fashioned way, probably five years if I don't want to have to defy the odds or spend every week in a doctors office. But I always thought that on top of biological children I'd adopt if I could. There are so many kids out there that need a good family. So maybe I'd do that first instead of second. Or maybe I'd just take myself into a sperm bank and purchase some gametes. It would be funny to pay for it what with so many men out there giving it away for free, but there is something to say about avoiding some knucklehead babydadday in the process. Or maybe I'd just wait and see and enjoy the company of my friend's children.

In any event, I've got choices. I'm not worried. I don't need a baby right now. And I feel like I'm in the best years of my life and not my dog years. But that analogy does make me chuckle when I think about it.

Maybe I'm in my cat years.