2.18.2006

Ithaki

News from lunch with my parents and my grandmother:

Item returned to me: the lens cap to my camera (after 3 years)

Gerry's husband Buster is turning 92.

Dad: Remember my mother's old landlord? She just died and she was 104!

Grandma: 104! Was she the one with the retarded daughter?

Mom: No, Ma, not that one. The one from Marlborough Street. And she wasn't retarded, she was schitzophrenic!

Grandma: Oh. Well, I knew it was something mental. I see her all the time.

Mom: And you didn't realize she wasn't retarded?

Me: Has Jimmy moved to Denver yet?

Dad: No, he's still trying to sell his acupuncture practice and his condo.
Me: Why's he going there anyway?

Dad: His cartographic astrologer told him Denver was the place for him.

Dad: You know, in those glasses you look like Nana Mouskouri

Grandma: Uncle Kenny got in another accident. During the blizzard, he went right off the road.

Mom: He's the worst driver.

Grandma: Yes, and he's getting worse every day.

Mom: He still thinks he's a cop, cruising right down the middle of the road. He pays no attention.

Grandma: He scares me to death. I've been in the car a few times when he's gotten into fender benders. And he doesn't want to hear it from me. I'm just his little sister. Like if the light turns and he doesn't notice and I say something. He's all over me about it.

Mom: Ma, you shouldn't get in a car with him any more.

Me: Uh, has anyone thought that maybe the family should think about taking his keys away.

All: Huh?

Word of the day: Zicam.

2.15.2006

Palmolive

Ugh. Is Palmolive the smelliest dishwashing liquid ever? It's like perfume. And why does every company I work for stock it? Who wants to smell that before they have a sip of coffee? I don't even see Palmolive around any more besides in offices. Reminds me of twenty years ago when I was watching "my stories" with my grandma and the commercials would be for Palmolive, Cross Your Heart bras, and L'Eggs panty hose. That's the holy trinity of itchiness right there, folks.

2.02.2006

Fifty-five years!

The other day I had my first appointment with my primary care physician. Afterwards, I head downstairs to the lab to get blood drawn and there's this cute little woman at the reception desk who looks like Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez with the bangs and the high ponytail and she's just as pleasant as can be to everyone and has the cutest little voice and she's just making me smile as she's handling this line of mainly quirky and elderly folk. She tells me I'm Number 24 and that it will be about a 20 minute wait. I forgot to bring reading material and my iPod is toast at the moment (wah) so I just sit and watch the people.

In Left Eye's line is an elderly black man, blind and in a wheelchair being pushed by his son. His voice is very loud, but honeyed - a storytelling type voice; it commands your attention. And oh, is he full of piss and vinegar, a definite handful for his son. As a counterbalance, the son's voice is low and calming, a deep buzzy whisper. The son looks resigned; he knows he can't control his dad. The old man spends equal time flirting with and harassing Left Eye.

The son mumbles, "My father here needs some tests."

Left Eye asks, "Will you fill out this yellow card, sir?"

The dad booms, "What'd she say?! She needs my patient number?! Boy, she needs my patient number!!"

Left Eye says, "That's OK, sir, just give me your name and I can look up your number."

Dad yells, "I dont think we got the number!"

Left Eye smiles and says louder, "Don't worry about it, sir, I can look it up."

The son just fills out the yellow card and murmurs to his dad that it is under control.

"Don't tell me it's under control, boy! The lady needs my number!"

The son waves hello to a woman he recognizes in the waiting area.

"Who you saying hello to?!!" Dad lets nothing slide.

"That's Teresa over there. You know, Juanitas daughter."

"Juanita??!! Man, I havent heard that name in twenty years!!"

"Yes, its been a long time."

After Left Eye gives them their number, the son wheels his dad over to the end of one of the rows of chairs and get him settled. Only then does he turn his attention to Teresa. He walks over and gives her a hug and sits down next to her a few chairs away from his dad. They catch up, he murmuring in his low voice, Teresa speaking in a normal overly-animated voice. I wonder what their relationship was way back when. He's a handsome man and she's beaming at him as he speaks to her in his low tone.

Dad gets annoyed quickly that he cannot hear what is going on and has been put aside for the attentions of this woman.

"What's that I heard you say?!! YOU did everything you could?! YOU did nothing, boy! Don't believe a word that boy tells you, girl! He's full of lies. He sits around doing nothing. Got nothing going on. Don't you listen, girl. Dont you listen!"

The son realizes that until the dad gets some attention, he'll get no peace, so he wheels him over to Teresa and murmurs to him to behave.

"Behave?! Lord, I dont give a shit about these people! I cant seem them, so what do I care?!"

"Dad, you remember, Teresa, don't you?"

"I'm Juanita's daughter."

"Of course! I've know Juanita for years. What you doing here girl?"

"Mom's getting some tests."

"What'd you say? What'd she say, boy?! Where you at?"

"I'm right here, sir."

"Pull me closer boy! I need to hear Teresa! That's right. And I knew your daddy too, Teresa. He's been gone for a while."

"Yes he has. Yes he has. A few years now."

"Do you go to church, Teresa? Are you one of those church-going women?"

"Yes I am, sir. It is what gets me through the day. Jesus helps me."

"Aw. That's too bad."

"It's been a great strength for me. He gives me peace."

"Well, that's good for you, I guess, but I never believed in all that Jesus stuff and just because I'm old and blind don't mean I'm going to believe in it now! I'm not going to start praying just in case!! No way. Just be a good man, that's all I can do. I'm SATISFIED with the life I had. I have had a WONDERFUL life! Do you know that? I could drop dead tomorrow and I would be happy, I tell you! It was a lovely life! With a wonderful wife. Married fifty-five years we were!"

Now I understand his voice and his manner of questioning. You can see all this man wants to do is talk about his wife. The other patients are smiling and pretending not to listen. The son knows whats coming and settles more comfortably in his chair knowing dad will be talking for a while. Teresa smiles and says, "oh yeah?" in encouragement.

"Fifty-five years! Can you believe it?! Not many people can say that nowadays! Now, I'm not saying it was all good all the time, we had our disagreements! Yes we did. She was a handful, my wife - a mind of her own! - and I was hotheaded to be sure! But overall it was wonderful. I loved that woman with all my heart. And I did right by her. For the last fifteen years I took care of her, did you know that?!"

"No, I didn't. But I know what it must be like. My mother had a stroke last year and I've been caring for her."

"I knew I liked you, Teresa!!" he nodded and looked past her. "Everybody said to me, "what a burden," they wanted me to put her in a nursing home! The kids said, Dad, it's too much. It's too hard. Bah! Its a commitment! In sickness and in health! They don't know about commitment these days! For fifteen years I cooked for her. Bathed her. Dressed her. Brushed her hair! She did not want for anything, my wife. Not if I could help it! She was precious to me, so I treated her that way. She was content. She was loved! And I'd do it again. I would. That woman was my world and she deserved nothing less. Nobody else was going to take care of my wife as good as I could! Please! And I don't care if it cost me my leg and my sight! Do you know, she died and the next week I was declared legally blind?! The very next week! But that doesn't matter so long as I could see while she needed me to see. Fifty-five years!"